


If You Don't Feel the Same Way... Then I Did This Ironically.

by mcrbonustrack



Category: Phan
Genre: M/M, valentines day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 08:43:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1851748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcrbonustrack/pseuds/mcrbonustrack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil plans to tell Dan how he feels on Valentines Day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Don't Feel the Same Way... Then I Did This Ironically.

I looked across the room at Dan. He was smiling as he held up his new galaxy t shirt that had just come in the mail.  
“Do you like it?” He asked. He held the shirt against his body and pressed it flat against his stomach. I stared at him. He was so adorable. With his dimples and un-straightened ‘hobbit hair,’ as our fans liked to call it.  
The thing is, I knew I wasn’t supposed to think about how _cute my best friend was,_ but I already got through this. I already got through the _wait, did I really just stare at his lips?_ phase, and then the _holy shit this boy has gorgeous eyes- wait,_ phase, the _ok so I definitely think my best friend is attractive and I think about him way more than a platonic friend should,_ phase, the _I wonder if he ever thinks I'm attractive?_ phase and now it’s really just; _fuck it I’m in love with him._  
Although, of course I had never shared any of these thoughts with Dan. But, tomorrow was Valentines Day. And I was determined to tell him. I was going to get half a dozen yellow roses and put them in a bouquet with half a dozen red roses. I want to try to tell Dan that we can still be best friends, even if I love him (and he hopefully loves me,) hence the yellow roses, and obviously the red roses because yes, _I have fallen madly in love with Dan Howell._   
I had also bought two pit tickets for Muse, (Dan loves the pit vs. getting actual seats, so he can get up close to see Matt Bellamy,) and a few boxes of Malthesers. I was also planning on wearing a tux and I was terrified.  
“I can’t tell unless you put it on, Dan.” I said, in response to his question. He sighed and shrugged his shirt off, and pulled the new one over his head. He opened his arms and nodded.  
“Eh?” He asked. I laughed.  
“Don’t you already have that one?” I asked. He frowned and scoffed.  
“What? No. Now come on so I can whoop your ass at Mario Kart 8.” He hopped on the couch and turned on the Wii U. I groaned.  
“Why? All you do is beat me.”  
“Don’t be a pussy. You have to play until you beat me.”  
\-----------  
We ended up playing for almost 4 hours. I didn’t beat him. I swear he got first place every time, but the closest I got was 4th. It’s decided. I’m shit at the new Mario Kart.  
But that didn’t matter right now. Today was the day. It was the 14th of February and I had butterflies the second I woke up. I immediately began thinking of reasons why I should just blow off the whole Valentines Day thing. We could just sit on the couch with Chinese take out and watch Buffy like we do every year. Because there is always the possibility that Dan does not like me in _that_ way. That he would be totally thrown off by the whole thing that it would not only ruin any chances of me and him, but it would ruin me and him platonically. And I don’t think I could survive that. Plus, I could do this any day of the year. Valentines Day is just another stupid day. It’s just like the illusion of New Year’s and new beginnings so businesses and corporations can get more money. So why was today special?  
But, there is also the possibility that Dan does like me back, _in that way_ and I had to focus on that chance, or I was going to chicken out and hate myself for it. It had to be today. No matter how made up and immature this holiday was.  
I sat up in my bed and turned my head towards the clock. It was only 7 o’clock. I thumped back into my bed and groaned. Jesus christ, today was going to be a long day. 

\-----------

I looked at the clock on my phone as I sat on the train, jiggling my leg in anxious anticipation. I was holding my bouquet of flowers. I was wearing a tux. I was carrying the chocolate. Multiple people looked at me with excitement in their eyes. They knew it was Valentines Day. They knew what I was doing. That’s how fucking cliche this whole thing was. 

What they didn't know is that I could be destroying a perfect friendship and I was, like, _90% sure_ I was going to have a heart attack.

 

I was almost back to our flat and I was definitely having second thoughts. But I suppose it was too late now. Even if I wanted to back down, I would have to get into my room and Dan would wonder what happened. I don’t think he would believe that. Not since he’s known me since 2009 and I have never brought a girl home. I have gone out with one or two girls, and a few guys, and he knew it. He knew I never dated anyone. We never talked about it. But I never really saw him go out with anyone either.  
I got back to our flat faster than I realized. I was now at the front door. I could knock, I thought. Surprise Dan from here just in case he wants to throw me out after this.  
No, I was not going to _be a pussy about this,_ like Dan would say. I took a huge breath and opened the door.  
To my great surprise, Dan was not sitting on the couch playing video games. He wasn’t in the kitchen. I set the flowers and the chocolate on the counter. The concert tickets were in my in my coat pocket. I didn’t want to lose them. Even if Dan rejected me, I still want to give him the tickets. It would hurt to see him see our favorite band with someone else, but I could deal with it. However, at the moment I couldn’t seem to figure out where Dan was.  
“Dan?” I called. “You home?” This was one very obvious possibility that I had never considered. What if Dan had done out with somebody else tonight? I felt a pang in my stomach. I’d like to think he would tell me if he had, but I guess he had no real obligation to do so. We were, just friends, after all. “Helllooo?” I sighed and knocked on Dan’s closed door. No response. I didn’t bother opening it. I decided, he had gone out with somebody else. “shit.” I muttered. “How could I be so stupid?” I sauntered to my room and quietly pushed the door open. I could nearly feel the god damn tears brimming at my eyes. Why the hell was I crying? I knew this was coming. I knew I should’ve told Dan sooner. Now he was probably going to get into a brand new relationship with some dip shit ass hole-  
Oh my god. Oh my fucking jesus fuck- Ok. There were two possibilities I never considered. I never fucking considered.. that Dan might be in the same epiphany as me? Assuming Dan did this? My bed was covered in red rose petals. A huge bouquet of flowers sat on my bedside table, and a small red card sat on my pillow in front of a box set of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Extended Edition including Bloopers. As I got closer I realized this was, in fact Dan’s scribbled hand writing on the card, and I could tell he had slowed down to write this. The front of the card had _Phil_ scribbled across it, and the inside read  
 _Happy Valentines Day!_  
 _I like you. A lot._  
 _If you don’t feel the same way...._  
 _Then I did this ironically :)_  
 _**Please feel the same way.**_  
 _XX Dan <3_  
“Hey.” I heard from behind me. My stomach leapt and I nearly checked my pulse to make sure I wasn’t going to pass out. I turned around slowly with the card in my trembling hands.  
“Dan.” I whispered. He was wearing a suit. _Dan Howell was wearing a suit and tie for me._ “You..” I stared at him. He was grinning ear to ear. He nodded.  
“Yes, Phil.” I took two long strides towards him and _ever so bravely_ took his face in my hands and kissed him very passionately. And he kissed me back. With his hands on my back and in my hair and on my arms and we broke apart with a gasp. Our foreheads pressed together and I looked into his brown eyes.  
“I got you flowers..” I breathed. Dan giggled. I stepped back slightly and took his hand, leading him into the kitchen. He smiled and awed quietly, and then gasped and picked up the Malthesers.  
“You. Are. Amazing.” He said. I smiled.  
“I also got us tickets to see Muse next weekend in Liverpool..” I pulled them out of my pocket.  
“Oh my god, I love you!” My stomach jumped again. He didn’t seem to notice what he said and kept talking. “You serious?” I blushed and nodded. He hesitantly reached out and pulled my hips towards his. I giggled. _I giggled._ Holy shit. Dan put his hands in my hair and pulled me down the tiny height difference, pressing his lips against mine again. I don’t know if it happened to everyone, but our lips fit perfectly and I loved it. He pulled back and breathed against me. His expression suddenly looked very serious.  
 _“I love you.”_ He breathed. I pulled back back and stared at him. Looking for any hint of sarcasm or irony, but he looked completely solemn, and he was starting to look concerned. “was that not ok? Is that too fast? I’m sorry, I don’t know, I just thought I felt some-” _“Shut up.”_ I gasped and crashed my mouth against his.  
“I love you. Understand? I have loved you for far too long without telling you. There is no way this could be going to fast. I have been waiting for this for, like _forever_.” This time, _Dan took my hand._ This time, _Dan lead me back to my room._ He sat on my bed, facing me, and slowly took off his jacket. Then he started unbuttoning his shirt, but it was a bit too tight and he couldn’t get it off his arms. He couldn’t help but laugh. This was as laughably awkward as any first time and I loved every second of it.  
“Oh my fucking god. This would happen!” He groaned sarcastically. I laughed too.  
“It’s ok! It’s a shame to take such a nice suit off, really.” I said as I reached behind him and tugged the shirt off, tossing it aside. I stepped closer and pressed him flat down against the bed and crawled on top of him, in between his legs. And I kissed him. _Hard._ My hands were all over his bare chest and his arms were untying my tie and unbuttoning my shirt until we both just needed to take off our pants. His hands moved to my ass as we continued kissing and I starting undoing his belt buckle.

\--------

Dan and I stood outside the building as we waited for the gates to open so we could be a the front of the mosh pit. Every time we looked at each other we blushed now. But it was so much better than before. Now, I could kiss Dan _whenever I pleased,_ and he could kiss me whenever _he_ pleased. We held hands whenever we went anywhere together, not even caring if someone from the internet sees us, and I don’t think Dan has slept in his own bed since before Valentines Day.  
I looked at my watch. “There’s like 2 more minutes and they should open the doors.” Dan nodded and looked at me. He stood on his tip toes and pecked me on the lips.  
“You really are amazing.” He said again. I smiled.  
“You’re more amazing.” I said as sappy as I could manage. He shrugged.  
“Yea, I guess you’re right.”  
“Wow! Thanks!” I scoffed and laughed and he kissed me again.  
This was the best thing, I think, that could have ever happened to me. _Dan Howell_ , the clumsy, awkward, adorable kid from the internet that 12-17 year old girls publicly fangirled over was _mine,_ and it was _amazing._ It felt so fucking amazing. I could literally see the light behind his eyes sometimes. 

\------

We had rented a cherry red mustang to take to the concert. It really was a waste of money, but it was worth it. I drove and Dan sat in the passenger seat with my left hand in his right. “Phil,” I looked at him.  
“Yeah?”  
“I love you.” He said for the millionth time and my stomach still did the flippy over thing. I smiled.  
“I love you.” I replied, and looked at him and a street light illuminated his eyes so they looked so amazingly beautiful as we turned through an intersection.  
That’s when the truck hit on Dan’s side. I saw the terror in Dan’s eyes and he was slammed forward and everything went black. 

\----------

I was looking at Dan again. I was looking into his eyes. He was looking into mine. And the truck hit and Dan flew forward. I saw it again and again and again and I couldn’t take it. I gasped and opened my eyes. I was breathing too fast. Too hard. But where the hell was I? I could hear annoying beeps. Everything was to bright and too white. I looked around and realized. I was in a hospital bed. I sat up. I had several IV’s poking out of my arms and too many machines hooked up to my body. I didn’t like it. I felt claustrophobic. Where’s Dan? Is he ok? I thought of the truck. And his body being forced forward. I sat up and put my face in my hand. (My left arm was in a cast.) This was my fault. This was all my fault. Holy shit, is Dan dead? How long had I been asleep? I started to panic and I was breathing far too fast now. I heard more beeps start up, and soon enough a nurse was in my room.  
“Are you ok?” She urged. I was still breathing too fast. I couldn’t talk. I looked at her. I kept thinking of the light shining in Dan’s eyes. Of the truck. Fuck. “You need to calm down, ok?” Why? What was there to be calm about? “Do you know your name sweetie?” She asked patiently.  
“My name-” I took a breath. “My name is Phil.” She looked concerned, but quickly relieved.  
“That’s a good start.” She smiled. “Do you know where you are, Phil?” Where I am? Why did she care where I was?  
“I’m- ah-” I felt a pain in my abdomen. “I’m in the hospital?” She nodded.  
“Very good. You’ve been here for 3 weeks.” She said like it was fucking nothing. “Can you tell me what happened?” I squeezed my eyes shut. This wasn’t helping me calm down anymore.  
“Me and Dan were at a Muse concert- I got him the tickets for Valentines Day-” I paused, breathing. “We were driving home and I guess I wasn’t watching where we were going? I don’t know. But a truck knocked us off the road- it hit Dan’s side- and now we’re here and is Dan ok? _Dan Howell._ Do you know where he is?” She nodded. And flipped through her clipboard.  
“He’s currently in the ICU, room 221. He’s still unconscious. He’s not.. Dan’s not looking very bright right. Now.” I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath anymore. She noticed. “Honey. Honey, I really need you to _calm down, ___ok? I don’t want you to pass out again.” I nodded quickly. “Ok. Take a big, big breath!” She was talking like I was 9. I listened anyway. I took a big, big breath! and then I “let it out verry slowwlly.” It helped, but not by much. So she made me do it again. And again. Until finally I could breath. My breathing was getting slower, and I supposed I was calming down.  
“You were out for nearly three weeks, sweetheart.” She said. I frowned and nodded.  
“Has Dan been out too?” She nodded. “Now. We haven’t been able to contact his parents. Do you know of any-” I shook my head. His family had abandoned him once they found out he was gay.  
“No. No, there’s no way to talk to his family about Dan. They _completely reject him._ ” I said bluntly. She looked sad.  
“I’m sorry.” She said quietly. “Well, here’s the deal then. Dan has had very little brain activity. We are going to keep him on life support as long as we can, but-” She shook her head. “It’s not looking too good.” I nodded. This couldn’t be happening. This was some _terrible,_ bull shit dream. I was going to wake up any minute now and Dan would be lying next to me with his arms wrapped around my waist and his head on my chest.  
But as long as I waited, that didn’t happen. So I continued talking to the nurse.  
“Can I see him?” I asked. She pursed her lips.  
“As soon as you can stand and walk by yourself, I technically can’t stop you. Ok?” She asked. I nodded. So, right now my main goal was to stand up. Shouldn’t be too hard, right? I scooted to the end of my bed so my legs hung off. I balanced my right arm on the bed and slowly stood up. My legs were wobbly, but it wasn’t too hard with my hand balancing on my bed. I hesitantly let my hand go and I was standing. I looked across the room and saw myself in a full body mirror. I looked like complete shit. I was in a purple hospital gown, (one where my ass hung out the back.) My left arm was in a bright green cast and I had bruises and stitches all over my face. My hair was a complete mess, and somehow my skin looked paler than usual. But I was standing. So, I took a step. And another one. And a few more and I was standing directly in front of the mirror, and I think I could make it to Dan’s room. But first, I had to shower.

\--------

I made it to Dan’s room. I got many strange looks from patrons and nurse’s, but I made it nonetheless. I pulled up a chair next to Dan’s bed and sat next to him. He looked so broken. His face was covered in more bruises and stitches than mine. He had a broken arm as well, and his right leg had been fractured. I wanted him to wake up. So badly. I couldn’t stand it. Here he was, living and breathing, and I couldn’t talk to him. Well, that wasn’t necessarily true, I could talk to him, he just couldn’t talk to me. I leaned forward and brushed his hair out of his face. His face felt so warm. _That was good, right?_


End file.
